One of my strengths is my ability to communicate, which is probably why I have become good at what I do. I am good at my job, I am good at helping others, but I want to turn this good into great. I am not referring to the book “From Good to Great” here, but I am referring to my current spot in life. I have been determined that 2016 is going to be amazing and that when I turned 33 in October that this would be the best year ever.
I have had interesting experiences along the way so far, but there is a piece of me that is missing. There is a part of me that feels unfulfilled. There has to be more than this. There has to be more than waking up at 5am, pushing myself to get to the gym, being squished in the small room with ‘band-wagoners’, then squished on a streetcar to go a short distance (yes I could walk, but I do that at night since I run a bit behind in the morning from going to the gym), swiping left or maybe right on Tinder, going on dates that go nowhere or to be told inappropriate things, and then back home for less than 7 hours of sleep because you need to work multiple jobs to get by living in the city in an overpriced condo on your own. Seriously – is this what it is all about?
I had always thought that I was destined for something great, and Freudian typing slip that I had just erased, but I had someone great. Maybe that is the missing piece. Maybe I am judging myself from my past mistakes in life, however those mistakes have brought happiness to a few people that I know in my life, but where is my happiness? I put a smile on my face, I am brave throughout the day, I do what I can, but am I truly happy? Do I truly feel fulfilled at the end of the day? Can I answer that truthfully? Yes, I can answer it and I don’t feel fulfilled. I can’t talk about my successes or adventures, unless you call my Tinder dates adventures which all generally turn out to be nothing more than a date or two and then as what I have learnt – ghosted. I have been told that I am awesome, you are beautiful, you are wonderful, but then why I am failing in this area? Why am I not being ‘swept off my feet’ as a Tinder date put it that would happen to me as he confided he was not ready for anyone and just broke up with someone 2 weeks ago, and of course I will keep all names out of this to protect their identity. Why do I feel as if I am the odd one out in Toronto? What is it that I am missing to be admirable? To be successful? To be everything that I have ever hoped to be?
Today has been a day of reflection. A day to release. A day to be on my own and accept being on my own. A day to watch a movie and cry through a comedy and know that it is ok. A day to drink 2 glasses of wine and eat leftovers from food I prepared on Sunday night. A day to cry in the bathtub while your Mother listens to you wishing she could change the world for you, but she knows that you need to go through this to be a stronger woman. A day to realize you deserve the best and to stick it out and be positive. A day to make a change to be a better person. That is today – and I will get through this. I will be more than what I am today, it will be a challenge, I will face obstacles, but life isn’t supposed to be easy. Then where is the fun if it was?
33 – I am optimistic. 33 – You can’t run away from your problems, as they will follow you no matter where you go – even Hawaii. 33 – Tinder sucks. 33 – You deserve better.